It has been in my experience that Halloween is much more enjoyable as an adult spectator, than a child participant. I was never too fond of the holiday growing up. When I was young, Halloween was always cold and rainy, and my costumes were a combination of hand-me-down costumes from my older siblings. One year I went as a cowboy gorilla. Why? Because we had a gorilla mask and a free straw cowboy hat from attending a rodeo. I wish I could travel back in time to tell seven year old Noah what a jackass he looked like.
One of the last times I went out trick-or-treating was when I was in the fifth grade. I decided to go as a vampire. Nowadays that would be cool, what with Twilight and all. I could have combed my hair back, furrowed my brow, been enigmatic and brooding and I would have captivated all the pasty, lip-biting tweens. But, since this was nearly twenty years ago, my only option was the plastic-fanged, black caped, Transylvanian accented vampire. My sister applied white powder makeup to my face, and dark lipstick to my lips, and I was good to go. That is until my mother said that Dad needed help carrying debris from a shed that was recently pushed down, to an adjacent hole. With little time before my friend Jason’s mother was to pick me up, I changed into my work cloths, and my father was greeted by the sight of his youngest son wearing white, powder-puff foundation, and lipstick. He glanced at me and shook his head in disappointment and didn’t utter a word about it.
Those are my special Halloween memories; dressing as a gorilla who had an affinity for western apparel, and gay Dracula.
But now as an adult Halloween is so much better. I can stay inside that night and watch spooky movies and hand out candy to all the kids that have cool, discernible costumes. Of course the best part of Halloween as a child was the candy. But, now that I’m an adult I don’t have to walk door to door like a chump. I can just go out and buy it myself. Hey, you can too! Do you ever think about that? You want a bag of fun size Kit-Kats and Whoppers? Hop in your car right now and pick up a couple hefty sacks worth, plant yourself on the couch and go to town. It’s great being an adult! You can do whatever you damn well please. Eat all the candy you want, wash it all down with a Bud Light, and light up a Marlboro to finish it all off. You deserve it, because you bought it.
Remember how scary horror movies were when you were young? Well, fret no more. Watch one of those thrillers now. Pop in Poltergeist, Friday the 13th or Pet Cemetery. You may be entertained, but you won’t be frightened. You’ll instead think, hey, isn’t that the father from the Munsters? You can even take it up a notch and watch it in one of your childhood friend’s homes, and then sleep in a strange bed. You won’t have to ask your friend’s mom to call your parents to pick you up because the movie was scary and you’re in an unfamiliar environment. Nope, you won’t have to do that because you’re an adult and you won’t get scared of a silly old movie. The only people that will be scared will be your old grade-school friend’s parents because you broke into their home to watch Nightmare on Elm Street, drink beer and eat candy.
Another reason why Halloween is better as an adult is the fact that when you were ten, girls didn’t dress like prostitutes. When you were young, girls actually dressed like witches, devils and princesses. Now, as adults they dig up those tiny costumes out of the back of the closets and re-wear them a dozen years later. Only this time it’s slutty- I mean SEXY.
So, being an adult on Halloween, you can now leave the house to ogle the aforementioned women at the bars where they get drunker than usual because they’re dressed like sluts. Why? It’s because when a gal leaves the house on Halloween wearing next to nothing on a 40 degree night so she can stand in a crowded bar of strangers where she’ll be ogled by creeps like me, she’s going to feel very apprehensive and insecure which will lead her to drink more alcohol at a faster rate to alleviate said apprehension.
Also, women (as well as men) get massively drunk at the bars on Halloween night because of the proximity of their beverage to their mouth. It’s simple science. The closer you keep your alcoholic drink to the hole you’re pouring it into, the quicker you’ll consume it. Bars are packed on Halloween, and for the most part its standing room only. That leaves you situated amongst a crowd of strangers with your glass of draft domestic hovering at chest level which you will proceed sip from with the consistent pace of a metronome. Conversely, if you’re instead sitting at the bar and your drink is placed comfortably on the sticky surface before you, you drink it a little slower. And lastly, if you’re standing and your drink is sitting on a tabletop behind you and you must reach back to snag it every time you need a drink, you drink even slower.
That is why I play it safe when I’m drinking in a crowded bar. I pace myself by keeping my beer in the bar restroom balanced on top of the urinal. Every time I feel compelled to take a drink, I must walk across the bar and into the bathroom to take a sip. Yes, you heard me. That beer that is always sitting on top of the urinal in the Men’s room is mine. Don’t touch it.