By: Noah Regan

So you say that my previous entry on how to secure your future with a woman who’s out of your league not only didn’t work, but you are now facing murder charges? Well, fret not reader. I’m certain that this advice will work. Trust me.

Alright, let’s get this started. Use any or all of these eight tips and you’ll go from a hapless hover-hander, to Harry Hamlin. First tip…

#1: Always Make Eye Contact

Women enjoy eye contact. So whenever you can show off those peepers of yours, do it. Confidence is what it’s all about, so give her a good stare from across a crowded bar, gym, coffee house, or through her bathroom window.

"I can see your heart beat."

#2: Get to Know Her

And what is the best way to get to know a woman? Rummage through her garbage of course! You can find out a lot about a person by what they throw away…

  • Coffee grounds: She likes a good cup of Joe. Why don’t you propose a day-date at the corner coffee house.
  • Used feminine hygiene products: This confirms your assumption that she is, in fact, a woman…so, that’s good.
  • Boxes of Lean Cuisine Dinners: Alright, these tell you a lot. For one, she’s single and lonely—the single entree section of the grocery store is the saddest piece of real estate on the planet, second only to the Holocaust Memorial Museum. Secondly, she’s not a good cook—bit of a red flag, fellas. And thirdly, if she’s eating Lean Cuisine it’s because she thinks her ass is too big. So upon meeting her, try not to mention her big ass. That’s a little something I call tact.

"Let's see, 90 seconds to microwave this, or ten seconds to blow my brains out."

#3: Pretend To Be Gay

This is the classic “wolf in sheep’s clothing” approach. If there’s one thing I learned from the movie I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry is the fact that if you are perceived as a homosexual, women will let their guard down and immediately befriend you. If your bad at lying and you don’t feel that you can convincingly tell a woman that you’re gay there’s an easy fix for that: be gay for a while. That way you won’t have to lie. Spend a weekend trolling Craigslist personals and rest-stop bathrooms—after that mind-bending weekend get tested at your local clinic, down a bottle of mouthwash, and then go in search for the woman you love.

This happens to every gay man all the time.

#4: Introduce Yourself

I know this tip sounds easy, but it’s really not. You can’t just stroll up to a woman and introduce yourself (unless your name is Harry Hamlin). You have to use a pick-up line. Try these on for size:

  • “You from Tennessee? Specifically Knoxville, 813 W. 2nd Ave, Apt. 6?”
  • “Are you an angel? Well, you’re about to become one.”
  • “Is it hot in here or is it just you…no, I take that back. I believe it’s this environment. I’m going to go talk to the manager. Please excuse me.”
  • “My love for you is like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in.”

Women find this man irresistible...just let that fact sink in, guys.

#5: Fake an Illness

Women are natural caretakers and are unable to resist the opportunity to feel sympathy for a sweet guy who’s suffering from a tragic disease. But it’s important that you choose an appropriate illness. You don’t want to choose AIDS, Bubonic plague, Super AIDS, or a mental disease that provokes you to violently attack infants. And definitely don’t fake an aggressive form of herpes that’s airborne and resistant to all known treatments.

"Yep, both ends are the exact same temp."

#6: Get Her Phone Number

Once you’ve spoken with her it’s time to get them digits. Don’t let her write it out for you. Grab a cocktail napkin, press the ball-point of a pen to it, and look up and wait. Why do that? It’s because if you let her write it out, more than likely she’s going to give you a bogus number. But if you’re waiting eagerly, people can’t think fast enough to come up with seven fresh digits when a creep is giving them the stare-down. Chances are the first six numbers will be legitimate; it’s the last digit she’ll change to throw you off her scent. So a few days later when you’re calling her up, and instead of being greeted by your soul mate, you receive a phlegmy hello from an elderly shut-in (Who’s overjoyed to be talking to someone…anyone) just hang up and try the next sequential number. You’ll hear your love’s confused and angered voice on the other line in less than nine tries. I guarantee it.

Even better, don’t write down her number, instead take out your cell phone and wait for her to regrettably utter her digits. Women won’t give you a bogus number if you are typing it into a cell phone because many people will hit send after typing in the number as a sort of “dry-run”. Your potential prey won’t put herself through the embarrassment of standing before you while you dial a random stranger during last call.

555? Not a good start.

#7: Patience is Key

So now you have her number and you can’t wait to use it. It’s important not to look too eager. You don’t want to come off as desperate, it could scare her away. That’s why it’s important to wait a full three days before you start sending her random pictures of your genitals. Make her wait for those unsolicited pics.

"I hope this doesn't count against my minutes."

#8: Persistence Pays Off

Love knows no bounds, not even the 1,000 foot boundary enforced by her restraining order. The only thing women love more than melodrama is playing hard to get. So what if she and her family had to move two towns over and her father constantly insists “She’s only a child!” Age is but a number, and sometimes that number is in the single digits.

Alright, I’ll stop there. I’m beginning to even offend myself. And that’s saying something.

"Listen Chris, I expected the girl to be a virgin, not this margarita. Make me another."

So in conclusion, just follow these simple tips and you will have success. No need in informing me about how it went, I’ll read about your trial in the paper.

Good Luck, Lady Killers!

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