We’re sitting at one week away from when we can all feel superior to an extinct (Central? South? I’m going to go with Central American) native tribe who prophesized December 21st as being the end of the world. Does anyone even use a Mayan calendar?

“…so that’s why I propose we bump-up the luncheon with the Bates account to this Wednesday since, you know, the world is coming to an end and all.”

December 21, 2012, is the day when a calendar that no one knew or cared about three years ago comes to an end and the earth, the sun and the galactic center of the Milky Way come into exact alignment which will change the gravity of our quaint, little planet and send us spinning off our axis. Sounds pretty heavy, right? Say, if you want to look smart in front of your friends just relay this information that I learned from celebrity astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson (paraphrased), “What people don’t tell you is that the earth, the sun and the center of our galaxy come into perfect alignment EVERY year on the twenty-first of December. It’s no more special than your birthday.”

Feel free to school all those credulous individuals in your life. The only problem is that you can’t drop this info on anyone because no one that you know actually believes that the world is going to end on December 21st. Yes! Think about it. Who do you personally know who actually believes that nonsense?

BY: Noah Regan

So why do we care about some ancient prophecy from hundreds of years ago? It’s because we’re bored. We have no real problems so we have to invent them. It’s the reason we like thrilling movies. Do you think people in Syria lined up to see The Expendables 2? Of course not. All they had to do was look out their window. Do you think people in Darfur had an itching to see Saw V? Doubtful. They live in a house of horrors every day.

I think we humans have to feel some rush in our mundane lives to remind us that we’re still breathing. And if we don’t have any real excitement in our lives we must produce it artificially by trumping nonsense even though everyone knows better.

Though, the thought of the world ending does raise the question of what a person would do with their remaining hours. One thing’s for sure, I wouldn’t meet with my family and friends to share memories of the lives we led and the joys we shared. No, that would be far too painful. If I did that it would only remind me of the things I cherished that would soon be coming to an end. I would instead immerse myself in a marathon of Real Housewives or Keeping up with the Kardashians so that I would be reminded of the most petty and deplorable aspects of human kind. That way I’ll be much more accepting of the end. I could convince myself that I never really was fond of this earth after all, and I’d bid it good riddance.

It’s like if I were about to lose my hearing. Instead of listening to something beautiful like The Pachelbel Canon or Moonlight Sonata, I would instead have a dentist drill whining beside my left ear, a frat boy breaking wind directly into my right, all while a child screams directly into my face. Buzz, fart, scream, and then silence for the rest of my days. That way if I ever missed being able to hear I’d think back to the excruciating last five seconds that I could hear. I’d be foolish to do it any other way.

So hypothetically let’s say one week from now the earth begins to lurch and it becomes painfully obvious that the Mayans were right and we will soon be pulled off our axis and into the sun. Here are some of the other things I’d do…

  • Watch the first two season’s of Homeland to see what everyone is talking about.
  • Finally let my crush know how I feel about her. Wait, wait, I’d best play it cool. I’ll stare at my phone and wait for her to text me.
  • Get my driver’s license renewed.
  • Drink SOOOO much whiskey!
  • Play a real life version of Grand Theft Auto while whiskey-drunk.
  • Gamble in a tuxedo.
  • Update my resume.
  • Pick up breakfast from McDonald’s Drive Thru while still dressed in my pajamas!
  • Try heroin.
  • Play Russian roulette with a supermodel.
  • Ask my friends if they think Marco Rubio stands a chance in 2016.
  • Light a cigar with a $100 bill. (That always looked so cool.)
  • Light a bum on fire with a $100 bill. (Best not to ask why.)
  • Take solace in the fact that the world is ending three years before Honey Boo Boo has a child.
  • I’d splurge and order dessert while eating at Applebees. (Just my luck this would be the one time the waitress wouldn’t ask and I wouldn’t bring it up because I’d feel like it would be an imposition.)
  • Decide to grow a beard.
  • Wonder if America feels silly about having a major hang-up about gay marriage and marijuana.
  • Get high and gay married.

See you next week maybe!

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