Can you believe it’s been two years? I like to think that quite a lot has changed in this modest blog since I published my first entry, “Music of the 1980’s: Lest We Forget” on Friday, January 7th 2011. I went back and re-read it. It’s fairly tame compared to the entries I write today, and reads like an Andy Rooney monologue (except for the Nazi and rape jokes). Little known fact: I nearly had a panic attack after I published my first entry while I sat at the desk of my old job that I had come to despise. After working up the will to direct all my Facebook “friends” to my budding blog site, I rushed off to the restroom to wash my trembling hands. I don’t know why. I guess I felt the need to immediately abandon the thing that just caused me great anxiety. So I stepped away from the computer and washed my hands.

Nowadays I could care less, and that has made all the difference.

BY: Noah Regan

Beginning with that innocent entry the blog has gone through a few evolutions. When I began this blog I didn’t really know exactly what I’d be writing about each week. One thing I did know for certain is that I wanted to stay away from topical issues so that the essays would have a longer shelf life, and not read like a Bush-era Doonesbury comic. Though, for a while I did open my entries with mock news stories à la Weekend Update. Here are a couple of my favorites…

  • A woman in Saudi Arabian was detained last Saturday after she was spotted driving a car—breaking the rigid Islamic country’s ban on women drivers. It’s said that she was easily recognized as a female driver because of all the stupid shit she hung from her rearview mirror.
  • Osama bin Laden’s personal stash of pornography was discovered during the Navy Seal raid two weeks ago. Titles include Debbie Does Dubai and Girls Gone Wild: Persian Gulf Spring Break. It’s similar to the American version except this one features wet burqa contests and women flashing their noses and mouths. Also, instead of throwing beads men throw stones at the women for disobeying the teachings of Muhammad.
  • Rumor has it bin Laden rarely got the chance to view the pornography because the odds of all six wives leaving the house at the same time to get their nails done is very very low.

Eventually, after seeing that few people cared to visit my blog, I did more Cracked style articles that were heavy on pictures and had a countdown number in the title. Those articles were more of a time commitment that was ultimately for naught, but I did enjoy creating captions for the pictures. Here are some of my favorites…

"Women here refer to me as King Leer."

Comics led me to believe that breasts had a similar density and feel of a Stretch Armstrong doll.

"Listen Chris Hanson, I expected the girl to be a virgin, not this margarita. Make me another"

And sprinkled throughout my weekly entries were my Whiskey Affinity’s, which were random thoughts I had while usually drinking, you guessed it, cat urine. No, whiskey. Here are some of my favorites that I feel you didn’t find funny enough the first time.

  • I’d like to open a funeral parlor next to a strip club, except my neon sign in the shape of an arrow will say “Dead Clothed Girls.”
  • I’ve learned to only ask my cat rhetorical questions.
  • The least sexy thought imaginable: Infants with breathing tubes in their noses.
  • Have you ever noticed when a scene transitions to black while playing video games you see a brief reflection of a guy sitting by himself on a Saturday night?
  • I wish to make a sultry saxophone album for people to play while they make love. The album will be titled “Butt Sax”.
  • Have you ever had a morning where you waffled between making a pot of coffee or opening a can a of beer? The decision you make will greatly affect the rest of your day.

Currently, the blog seems to have devolved into me griping about people I don’t like in society, and telling embarrassing stories from my youth. Where will the blog be in two years? Who knows? It could become a host for Cambodian snuff films. I don’t care. We’ll see where the future takes me.

A few things in society have changed in the past two years. When did everyone (and I mean EVERYONE!) start wearing sweatpants around in public. What’s going on here people? At what point did our society collectively say “F@#k it”? When did people start treating everyday like a sick day?

You know who doesn’t wear sweatpants? China. And that’s why they’re kicking our ass.

After two years I’ve come to the realization that I have a poisoned mentality. Here’s where my head space is at: you know the internet acronym “FTW”? For the longest time I thought that it stood for F#@K the world. I truly did. I didn’t even think twice about it. It wasn’t until seeing it misused the umpteenth time that I realized that I was the one who was wrong and that FTW actually stood for “For the win”. Do you find that as disconcerting as I do? I see three innocent letters in a row and my mind tells the world to go eff itself. It’s akin to looking at Rorschach charts and seeing burning churches and dead babies.

Speaking of babies, I find it strange to see on Facebook that everyone from my past has children. Having a child is the ultimate form of narcissism in my opinion. Keep in mind I’m not saying that people shouldn’t have a child, obviously. I’m just saying that it isn’t for me. I’m the antithesis of a narcissist. I’m more of the “self-loathing” breed who constantly undermines and degrades himself. I can hardly tolerate hanging out with myself. I certainly couldn’t imagine hanging out with a miniature version of me who occasionally pisses himself. If I had a smaller, weaker version of me constantly in close proximity I’d be absolutely vile to it. I’d say things like:

  • “Jeans shorts and an Elmo shirt? You look like an idiot.”
  • “Having trouble with your math homework? Good luck…shits impossible.”
  • “Son, I had a severe stutter also when I was your age. School’s gonna be hell. D-D-Deal with it!”
  • “I realize you’re only ten, but I can’t help but notice that your hairline looks a bit thin in the front. Just sayin’.”
  • “You hit your first home run? I’m proud of ya son! You enjoy this moment. I was about to teach you about sarcasm, but it can wait ’till tomorrow.”
  • “How ‘bout you go back to bed. The world doesn’t need you today.”

What else has happened in two years? Despite what I just previously wrote I do like children (just nothing that would be spawned from my seed) and I wrote and illustrated a children’s book. Expect to see my next book, Strange Tales of Wendell Worth: The Babysitter sometime in 2013.

“How much worth is a Brian Bosworth if a Bosworth can net worth?” That got one “like” on Facebook. Pearls before swine.

Let’s see here…two year anniversary, website retrospect, chumps wearing sweatpants, Cambodian snuff film, I’ll project my personal contempt onto my child, kid’s book, Brian Bosworth…

Yep. That’s all I wanted to cover. Thanks for visiting, loyal reader. And thanks for giving me an excuse to pound out a thousand words each week.

One Response to “Pop the Bubbly for the Two Year Anniversary!”

  1. Erik says:

    You know, I thought the FTW meant ‘fuck the world’ for the longest time too. Congrats on your 2-year!

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